I’m a decently healthy 22 year old that has been through more than a majority of 22 year olds wouldn’t even think of going through. I’ve dealt with happiness, abuse, sadness, pain, depression, and so much more. I’m not the only that has dealt with that, as I know many people out there struggle with these issues. Scratch that, all of us do. And through that, people expect perfection and expect us all to be the best versions of ourselves, which essentially means to perfect yourself.

News flash, you can’t be perfect, no one is perfect, and you never will be because we can try our best to do the best we can, and we do, but life will always throw a curveball in our direction. Within those curveballs, we fail ourselves and we fail to see that being vulnerable is okay. It is okay, to not be okay. In the depths of darkness, the light always finds a way to shine through, providing a direction to guide us.

Everyone fights a battle we cannot see. Everyone is struggling financially, emotionally, physically, or beyond those scopes. We begin to see ourselves as failures because we believe we can’t live up to others’ expectations. We believe that if we fall from being happy or being a step behind our peers, that we are not perfect and not worth it. I promise you that you are worth it, and that there are more people than just yourself who care and wish to see you succeed. It is a matter of manipulating the dark side of your mind, and showing it the light to regain that belief.

I am a victim that has fallen to the perfection ideology. I for one believed that if I made one wrong move, one poor decision, one undermining judgment, that nothing would be okay and that all hell would break loose. I resulted to infliction of pain, emotional abuse, and condescending my every move to bear the weight on my shoulders; each of those all intertwined at the same time.

I resulted to emotional abuse when my peers saw me as weak and incompetent. I made myself believe I wasn’t worth anyone’s time or worth continuing any pursuits or dreams/goals. I resulted to the infliction of pain (emotionally) when I felt so low that the only way out was to be the one who inflicts pain, not let others inflict it upon me. I resulted to displacing and condescending everything I did when I didn’t have any more motivation to accomplish more. I ignored everything and everyone and defeated myself.

One of my best friends once told me that, “if you can find one thing you love about yourself, you are okay.” Ever since I heard that, I have found it to be true and it has completely changed my perspective. Instead of how I always looked at life where I had to love everything, I started to look at one thing I loved. Slowly from there, I began to love other things and my admiration for life slowly spread like an infection. While you may be in pain and some things in your life you may not love, you will always be okay knowing one thing you love about yourself is your shelter and safe zone that you begin to construct into your dream home that once will be called, your life.

I learned that it is okay to not be okay, because I saw what others were going through as well. I needed to figure out everything happening, and I needed to figure out for myself that I can still move on while being in pain or not being okay. I may not be fully comfortable or happy, but I am content knowing that not being okay, is fine. We have people to help guide us, we have a life to live, and in time, it will all come together. We continue to fight through these times of the unknown and when we aren’t okay, we’re fine. We’re all a little broken in some sense, but that is okay. We figure it out, it’s just our nature and within our blood to do so. So for one second, don’t think your decisions are incompetent or rash. We’re okay, and it’s okay to not be okay, because we all have our issues to push through and we all will light up the world together.

As Chester Bennington once always sung,

“And the shadow of the day

Will embrace the world in gray

And the sun will set for you”

You’re doing just fine in life. With love,

CJ

Christian Johnston