Dear Jane

It has been a week since you have passed away unexpectedly and we all miss you. I miss you. You were a part of my family, and I was a part of your family. No matter what, that will always hold true. To me, you were a grandmother guiding me through life’s toughest challenges these past few years. Coming home I was thrilled to see you, the rest of the Seim’s and the dogs. You provided me warmth as you always welcomed me and my family with open arms. I remember, just a few months ago I said goodbye for a while knowing I wouldn’t come home as much. Little did I know, that goodbye would be the last one, forever.

Tuesday night I received a phone call from my mom and dad and I had just finished up eating tacos because for me that is Taco Tuesday. I thought that it was unusual to receive a phone call from them without any preemptive text or warning that they wanted to chat. Instantly, I picked up the phone and could immediately tell something had happened. As my stomach was knotting up and I answered the simplistic questions they asked to guide into the conversation, I grew nervous. Then, they said they had bad news, and a little part of me said, “oh they say that but it has never been anything terrible in the past.” How wrong I was to think that.

My parents told me something awful had happened to Jane and she passed away that day. My heart dropped, sunk into my chest as it broke into pieces. Without even time to process what they had said, the feelings of sadness and sorrow ruptured through my body as the tears began flowing like a little stream down my cheeks. Shattered like a broken mirror I sat there on the ground staring into desolation. I didn’t know how to react, I have never felt an impact this close to me before. I have never dealt with a death that hit this close to my heart, that broke it into two pieces that night.

I felt pain for her daughters, family, friends, and her dogs which were her other children to her. I felt guilt, for not being able to say goodbye or I love you one more time. I felt sorry not talking to her leading up to that day. Now, I try to move forward processing what has happened with glimpses of memories that generate laughter or place a smile on my face. I had known Jane for at least half my life, and I could never imagine it without her profound impact she has placed upon my life.

Jane, if you are reading this, know that you changed the course of my life with your gentle kindness and warmth that infects anyone you touch or talk to. When I was fighting my disease, you were right there to provide guidance and advice, despite any medical difficulties laid ahead of you. You took time out of your day, just to check up on someone who was not related to you. That is what family meant to you, accepting and welcoming those who walk into your life and cherishing those bonds with them. I looked up to that perspective of yours and continue to do so.

I remember all the conversations we have held, all the times we have played dominoes, all the times we hung out, and all the times we hugged goodbye like it all happened yesterday. I remember when you would reminisce about Richard, and how you would say you miss him. Now, I hope you are with him and enjoying every moment of it as you watch the rest of us down here. God placed you and your family in my life to guide me and I can’t ever thank you enough for what you’ve taught me, what you’ve shown me all these years. I was just a young boy who grew into a man all those years I’ve known you, and you are a major part of who I am today.

I’m sorry I never got to thank you. I’m sorry I never got to say goodbye to you. I’m sorry I never got to give you one final hug. I’m sorry I didn’t even say hello as of recently. I have felt guilty for all of this, and if I had one more opportunity to see you, I would make sure to give you the biggest hug I have ever give you and make sure you understand how special you are. God gained a beautiful soul and a lovely angel, and know that we all miss you and love you Jane.

You will always hold a special place in my heart. I hope you are happy and feeling well up there with Richard. I miss you, and will always love you. Rest in peace Jane Seim. Say hi to all my past animals for me. Love you.

Love,

CJ

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corner of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” – Anonymous

 

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